If you knew you were at the end of your life, would you look back with regret?
Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, revealed The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
- I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
- I wish that I had let myself be happier
When I shared these with a client – an accomplished business owner – he admitted “that will be me”. Years of prioritising others, taking on projects misaligned with his passions, and neglecting his wellbeing had left him burnt out and disconnected from himself. He felt trapped in a cycle of overcommitment and people pleasing, with no idea how to break free.
The silent toll of people pleasing
Many of us are raised to be “nice” – helpful, agreeable and easygoing. But what happens when this spirals into self-sacrifice and conflict? It quietly erodes self-confidence and relationships, leading to resentment and dissatisfaction. We may end up with a life that feels empty despite being “full”.
People pleasing stems from deep-seated fears – of conflict, rejection or disappointing others. Some of the most capable professionals I work with have spent years suppressing their true needs, saying “yes” when they meant “no”, and feeling trapped by guilt when they tried to change.
But not all guilt is created equal.
- Healthy guilt arises when our actions harm others or conflict with our values. It prompts accountability, growth and resolution.
- Unhealthy guilt is fueled by fear – the fear of judgment, of not being “enough”, and of being seen as selfish. It’s excessive and unproductive, leading to over-functioning for others while abandoning ourselves.
For my client, growing up in a strict, religious household ingrained the belief that saying “no” was selfish. Over time, he lost his unique voice and developed a pattern of being over-responsible for others which he carried into adulthood. Breaking free required confronting these conditioned beliefs – and the associated guilt.
The courage to carve your own path
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone – and it’s never too late to change.
Here’s where to start:
- Understand your triggers: Who or what compels you to overcommit, suppress your needs, or say “yes” out of guilt or fear?
- Spot the difference: Is your guilt a sign of misalignment and value violation – or a conditioned response driven by fear of judgement or rejection?
- Recognise the cost of overgiving: Are you sacrificing your well-being and creating imbalances in relationships and under-responsibility in others? How would your life change if you put your needs first? What’s the worst thing that could happen?
- Clarify your values and needs: What truly matters to you? Are you living according to these values or external expectations? Define what is and isn’t acceptable and set boundaries.
- Make tough calls. Saying “no” isn’t selfish – it’s necessary to create space for what truly matters. Turn down misaligned opportunities, set limits with demanding people, and even let go of relationships that thrive on your overgiving.
- Start small: Practice pausing before saying “yes” and say “no” in low-risk situations – without over-explaining. Replace apologetic or passive language with clear, compassionate self-expression.
- Embrace discomfort: Expect resistance (from yourself and others). Growth involves stretching our comfort zone rather than retreating to old habits.
- Strengthen your inner compass: Pay attention to your gut and instincts. Your intuition can guide you towards aligned choices before your mind overrides it. Are you saying “yes” because you want to or are afraid of someone else’s reaction?
- Cultivate self-compassion: Growth thrives in self-compassion, not perfection. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend and challenge old narratives that equate worth with self-sacrifice. You’re valuable because of who you are, not how much you do for others.
- Surround yourself with support: Connect with people who uplift, respect and hold you accountable in prioritising yourself. And commit to your future self – what would they thank you for?
The power of regular coaching
When my client first recognised the people pleasing pattern, he asked “This is going to take more than one session isn’t it?”
Just like physical fitness, emotional fitness requires consistent effort. Coaching helps you uncover blind spots, challenge limiting beliefs, and provide tools to step into a life that feels yours.
When my client started reconnecting with himself and asking, “what do I truly want?”, he rebuilt his business on his terms. He set boundaries, said no to projects and clients that de-valued him, prioritised his health and carved out time for activities that bought him joy.
Like him, your worth is not determined by how much you do for others. When you cultivate self-worth, you make space for a life that feels authentic, fulfilling and yours.
Are you ready to stop pleasing and start living?
If you’re ready to reclaim your time, energy and sense of self, let’s talk. Your future self will thank you.
