Does your inner critic hold you back from exuding the confidence and executive presence necessary for success?
You’re not alone.
Even high achievers grapple with self-criticism and perfectionism. It may have even fuelled much of your success to this point. But self-judgement can be counterproductive in the long run. Your inner critic isn’t just a nagging voice or mental habit – it’s a stress-inducing saboteur that impacts your entire being. It drains your energy, clouds your thinking and disconnects you from your authentic self and creativity.
Naomi’s story: Battling hesitancy in sales
Take Naomi, a business owner who lovingly refers to her inner critic as her “inner b!tch” – the culprit who convinces her to avoid sales calls. “I’m out of practice”, “They won’t want to hear from me”, “I’m not a salesperson”. Despite getting referrals, these thoughts stop Naomi from achieving her new revenue target.
Karen’s experience: Struggling with assertiveness
Similarly, Karen, a procurement leader, struggles with self-doubt and fears rejection. While well-liked by colleagues for her helpfulness, her use of tentative language – like “I think”, “maybe” – dilutes her ability to confidently present recommendations to executives.
Brett’s challenge: Overcompensating to prove competence
Then there’s Brett, a lawyer who is worried others don’t see him as competent, so over-explains to prove his worth. Exhausted from “white-knuckling” his way through anxiety, he yearns to become a calm, trusted advisor offering concise and valuable insights.
Sound familiar?
Whether your inner critic leaves you frozen with a foot on the brake or pumping the accelerator with no clear map of where you’re going, here are 10 steps to rewrite the script.
10 steps to transform your inner critic
Tune into the inner critic
1. Identify unhelpful thinking loops.
- Like a song stuck on repeat, your mind often replays negative thinking loops. And because “neurons that fire together, wire together”, the more we listen to these, the more ingrained they become. So, to interrupt the transmission, you first need to notice the song.
- Ask yourself: “What recurring self-defeating thoughts arise when I feel anxious, stuck or self-critical?”
2. Uncover core beliefs and unmet needs.
- Often, the inner critic’s “song” carries a hidden message – core beliefs like “I need to be perfect to be accepted”, “I’m a failure” or “I’m not worthy of success”. These beliefs likely formed as survival mechanisms to cope with unmet needs in childhood – for safety, acceptance, autonomy, connection. They’re now outdated background noise that no longer serves you.
- Reflect on your inner critic’s hidden message by asking, “If that were true, what does it mean?” or “What do I believe about myself that’s fuelling this self-talk?”. And “What unmet needs drove this belief?”
3. Practice self-compassion
- “What we resist persists” so, before rushing to fix things, pause the self-criticism and practice what Dr Kristin Neff defines as the 3 pillars of self-compassion: kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Treat yourself like you would a friend and accept your flaws as part of being human – not proof of inadequacy.
- Self-compassion has been linked to enhanced optimism, agreeableness, extraversion and conscientiousness – qualities that support leaders in being resilient, building trust and acting responsibly. So, engage in practices like breathwork, grounding and EFT (tapping acupoints while repeating affirmations) to soothe the nervous system. This creates emotional safety, allowing space for emotions to pass without judgement.
Assess the beats
- As Eckhart Tolle said, “You are not your thoughts”. Therefore, like turning down the volume of a song, you can create distance from your thoughts.
- Use cognitive defusion techniques (from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) to look at thoughts, rather than from them. For example:
- Name your thoughts: “There goes the ‘I’m a failure’ track again”.
- Use humour: Sing your thoughts or use a silly voice to take them less seriously.
- Use imagery: See your thoughts as clouds passing you by – temporary and detached from your identity.
- Let’s be honest – there’s a reason you keep certain “songs” in your mental playlist. Perhaps they provide a sense of familiarity or keep you “safe” from perceived rejection or failure. But at what cost? Stress, self-sabotage, missed opportunities?
- Reflect on “How do the thoughts affect me emotionally, somatically and behaviourally?”, “Where do I feel that in my body?”, “What emotion am I avoiding by going into my head?”, “What benefit does holding onto this thought have?” and “How would not believing this thought impact my identity and life?”
- Feeling into the sensations helps you tune out of the mind and into what the body needs to release, while acknowledging the payoff and costs creates awareness of why change is necessary.
6. Challenge limiting beliefs.
- Your brain is wired to focus on threats – like constantly being on the lookout for bad songs. But most “threats” are just old tracks. Counter negativity bias by asking “is that true?”.
- “Zoom out” to see the bigger picture – when was the last time you actually failed? And put yourself in others’ shoes – what strengths do they see? Give your brain evidence you’ve succeeded in the past, and you will again.
Amplify the inner champion
7. Consciously choose and embody empowering thoughts.
- Now it’s time to create a new playlist. Ask yourself “What would my compassionate Inner Champion say?”
- Since thinking and doing share similar neural pathways, visualise yourself acting, thinking and feeling like the confident version of you. Just as athletes use mental rehearsal to enhance motor performance and motivation, you can too.
- Anchor new beliefs by noticing how they make you feel – training your body to make the unfamiliar more familiar. Studies show contractive body posture is negatively associated with positive affect and felt power. Therefore, stand tall, breathe deeply and let your body reinforce your newfound confidence.
8. Act “as if”.
- With a more uplifting beat, it’s time to “dance” – even if you don’t feel fully confident yet. Start small – perhaps speaking up in a team meeting – but take consistent action aligned with the empowered version of you. Every time you do, you strengthen that connection to this new way of being.
9. Form authentic connections
- Vulnerability is like sharing a playlist with others. Express feelings, set boundaries, ask for (and be open to receiving) support. Surround yourself with people who resonate with your energy, and accept imperfections in yourself and others. In turn, you’ll form genuine connections, realise you’re not alone and create a safe space for mutual growth.
10. Train your brain for success
- To stay tuned into the right frequency, keep practicing. Set goals and celebrate wins along the way.
- Research also shows exercise, sleep and diet contribute to learning and emotional well-being, while chronic stress impairs decision making . So prioritise healthy habits to boost mental clarity and your ability to make decisions with confidence.
By following these steps, you can quiet your inner critic, amplify your inner champion, and unlock the full potential that’s already within you.
