Ever feel like your team, clients, or even your friends are avoiding you?
One of my clients, Caleb, a business owner, came to me frustrated: “Why are people avoiding me?”
He had reluctantly approved a week off in lieu for his new hire, Luke. But when Luke’s absence was extended due to a medical issue, Caleb found himself in the dark. No response to messages. No confirmation about travel commitments.
And it wasn’t just Luke. His biggest client and ex-partner had also gone quiet.
So when Caleb asked “Why are people avoiding me?“, I turned the question back to him: What did you think is happening?
He drew a blank.
When high standards become high pressure
I asked Caleb if he was open to some feedback. He was.
Here’s what I noticed:
- Passion vs. intensity – Caleb felt emotions deeply and “wore his heart on his sleeve.” That made him passionate, but also intense – which could be overwhelming, especially when frustration dominated his tone.
- High standards, high pressure – His pursuit of excellence built a strong reputation in the market. But it also translated into high pressure and criticism for his team. He wanted Luke to be a “replica” of himself – setting the bar so high that Luke felt unsupported and overworked.
- Missing the bigger picture – While Caleb assumed his biggest client was ignoring him, a quick Google search showed they were struggling financially – something he hadn’t considered while sending multiple emails about future work. Luke, on the other hand, was tired of juggling home and family, and sacrificing his health working 60-hour weeks.
The pattern? Caleb wasn’t just being avoided – he was avoiding something too.
The mirror effect in leadership
When we focus only on what others aren’t doing, we miss what’s really happening.
Caleb was so task-focused that he wasn’t seeing the human element – or the deeper needs of those around him.
He now had a choice: Continue to take the silence personally or see it as an invitation to lead differently.
Are you judging in others what you haven’t owned in yourself?
I’ve been there too.
Years ago, I judged a colleague for being unreliable. He made promises he couldn’t keep, and as someone who values truth, it drove me nuts.
Then, in a coaching session, I was asked: “Are you always reliable?“
Without hesitation, I said, “Yes, I want clients to trust me.”
“What about outside of work?“
I paused. The truth? No. I could be flaky. I’d cancel plans last minute. That moment of self-awareness shifted everything.
By seeing my own inconsistencies, I softened my judgement towards him. I also learned to give myself a little more grace. Instead of over-extending myself to meet deadlines, I learned to prioritise and, when necessary, ask for more time.
From blame to ownership
Coming back to Caleb: Despite his strong “approach” behaviour, he realised he had unintentionally been avoiding deeper connection. And in ignoring the needs and concern of others, he was also neglecting his own. It was easier to blame others and take on more work himself than to take ownership of where he was failing short in showing up – for himself and those around him.
Now?
- Instead of pressuring people to meet his expectations, he’s having more open, collaborative conversations.
- Instead of pushing through exhaustion, he’s learning to balance business goals with personal well-being.
- And instead of demanding excellence, he’s creating an environment where excellence naturally thrives.
Next time you feel ignored…
Pause.
- Are you seeing the full picture?
- Are you projecting your expectations onto others instead of meeting your own needs first?
Often, the qualities we seek (or judge) in others are pointing us toward what we need to integrate within ourselves.
And when we align internally, connection flows naturally.
